What is it like being pregnant?
I’ve never felt a strong desire to be a mom. This might be common among my generation of career-oriented women mostly taught to dream big and become successful. Growing up in a household with humble means, I’ve always fixated on making money as my barometer of success and what I imagined my life’s purpose to be.
Fast forward to now — in my second trimester of carrying my first born son. It feels surreal to have a belly with a growing human inside me, full of life with his wonderfully strong baby kicks. I never knew this experience would be far more impactful (I hate this word, sorry) than any other life event I’ve ever experienced.
Metamorphosis
Being pregnant is a complete metamorphosis. I’m only halfway through the process and I already feel the weight of changes in my sense of self. It’s hard to acknowledge and accept that I will never be the same again. I will be now, and forevermore, be someone’s mom.
It sounds like a mere title change just like any other job promotion. But it’s a complete transformation. Not only does pregnancy bring physical changes outside of my control, it also brings a tide of psychological battles and a forced acceptance of weakness and vulnerability.
I now weigh more than any other point in my life, I’m not as strong as I’d like to be, I lost the abs I built strictly for months, I do not fit in my skinny jeans, and I’ve put my career on hold. From the outside looking in, it looks like most of the things I value in life are slipping away, and that I’ve lost everything I’ve worked hard for prior to getting pregnant.
In our culture’s barometer of success, it seems like I’m holding myself back. I’m being punished for being a woman. Pregnancy burdens a woman's life and it marks the beginning of more burdens to come: more household chores, emotional labor, income disparities, workplace discrimination — all ready to pull me back further in a culture dominated by patriarchal traditions.
But surprisingly, this is not what my metamorphosis is shaping me up for. I'm not transforming into a super working mom who can beat the odds and do it all. The transformation is turning out to be a blessing of divine grace. Although not easy, being pregnant is teaching me to let go and accept that not everything in life is within my control. Things could slip. And these are all designed for me to come to a greater realization: my life’s purpose shouldn’t be, and never was, about me.
Rediscovery
Being pregnant made me rediscover that my life’s purpose is one thing alone, and that is to serve. Whether it’s serving my son, my husband, my family, my neighbors, my friends, my church — and my God. It’s easier said than done but I find this to be a privilege rather than a curse. I may be weak and vulnerable, I may not be the strongest, but one thing is for sure: I can serve. And this matters more than any other thing I’ve accomplished in life so far.
Life is not to be lived for my own satisfaction. Life is bigger than myself and pregnancy is making me rediscover this to an even greater degree. I can still be myself of course, with my own interests and passions but these are to be built around others and not for my benefit.
We tend to work our entire lives building ourselves up, but we can never be satisfied with whatever outcome our life’s work could ever produce. Things can always be taken away without warning. There is satisfaction and joy though, in service. In giving yourself up for others. And its reward is not fleeting.
I will for sure hate the moment when my son deprives me of sleep for months, it’s going to be tough and probably painful. But I know it will undoubtedly be more rewarding than financial success, an impressive career or hardcore abs.
What is it like being pregnant? Philosophic.
